When we grow older, is it more difficult to make friends, or have we simply run out of the curiosity and openness it takes to make new, lasting connections outside of family? I wondered that last week, as I felt like going to lunch and suddenly realized I really had no one to ask (or more pointedly, felt comfortable enough to ask). I used to. That’s one of the pitfalls of moving so much and having friends who also move a lot.
Last year, for example, I had at least two great pals in proximity I could call at the drop of a hat and who I loved to visit. But now they’re gone. I haven’t “filled” their position, and I really don’t know if I have enough energy to put forth the effort. Because by next year, chances are I’ll be gone, too. (I mean, God willing, I will have moved again myself. Not gone from this earth.)
And besides, their shoes aren’t so easily filled. It’s not often you meet someone in life with whom you connect like a forgone conclusion.
It’s a cycle. But it’s also me. My husband says he worries about me; that I go a little more “into the woods” with each passing year and with every move we make. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I do. I’m a bit reclusive, anyway. It took me a few months into the year to get the urge to call someone for lunch, only to realize all my “someones” had been gone a while. Does that make me a poor friend, or simply distracted? I hope it’s the latter.
But I have dear ones. I don’t see them every day or even every year, but they’re out there. I heard from a few of them recently when Sex in the City II came out right around my birthday. We all celebrated my 40th together a couple of years ago. (I felt it premiered just for me, just like I felt some 24 years earlier that the movie Sixteen Candles debuted in my honor on my birthday). Both are good friend memories.
That makes me wonder this: As your friend memory bank grows, do you gain more fulfillment resourcing good times gone by, vs seeking out new fraternal experiences?
That’s not to say I don’t have many acquaintances throughout the day. I do see people. Mostly related to the kids’ activities and their school, but still, there are plenty of nice people to whom I can say hello and talk about the weather.
But that’s different. I think as adults it’s difficult to make visceral, instant connections with people like we did when we were young. We have too many barriers that just weren’t there before. I met one of my nearest and dearest over catching frogs. Now that’s grassroots. But it happens, still, occasionally. The stars align (or thunder). Another recent great friendship began when upon moving in to the house we live in now, our neighbor came to warn us our power goes out a lot during storms. Just then a big thunder/lightening combo hit, and there went the power. I knew right then I had to get to know her. But, alas, she's moved on ...
Those are the friendships I miss and still try to nurture across the miles. Because, who knows, maybe one day our distances won’t be so extreme. We will have lunch, and pick up our conversation right where we left it last we met.
I guess I can wait. And so today I’ll take myself out to lunch and a movie. And then, maybe I will make a few calls, just to let you know you’re in my thoughts …
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