SISTERHOOD

Do you ever wake up feeling anxious, but you can’t quite peg it?

Sometimes you can’t identify a feeling until you’re able to relate it. I woke up today feeling off; my heart rate was up more than usual. I’ve been told I have an amphibian-like heartrate; really really s-l-o-w, so I notice when it’s up a pace, or two. And I hadn’t yet had an overage of coffee, so I knew it couldn’t be caffeine induced.

I was less than patient with the dog and getting the kids ready for school and out the door this morning, but for no reason I could identify.

I looked at my calendar, but I haven’t missed any appointments (yet). I started a new journal of all my lists associated with our pending move. This brought on by recent bouts of sleeplessness. I’ve been unable to turn my running ticker off at night of all the things that can only be answered with time.

So I try and keep present, and not look too far down the road. I haven’t developed any outward signs of feeling stressed (I remember an unrelenting tick in my eye right before our wedding). But driving home just now, I remembered a moment in time when I felt similar.

It was years ago when we lived in Cambridgeshire, England. I was driving from our home in Ely to Mildenhall in Suffolk where the base is located to meet with friends. Behind the wheel I thought I was having a heart-related issue. It came on suddenly. I couldn’t breathe. I panicked. But there was no where to pull off the very narrow (in America it's width would have sufficed for a one-way) B-road I was traversing; only deep ditches on both sides, so I kept driving with all three kids strapped in the back.

We arrived at our destination safely and, upon seeing my friends, I burst into tears. They understood. I didn’t have to explain.

Turns out I wasn’t alone. Several of my co-horts were having similar symptoms and episodes. It was reported then that emergency visits to the flight clinic were on an upswing for these afflictions.

It seems we were all stressed out, but we weren't associating the physical ramifications. At this point, our husbands had been gone for weeks, and we still hadn’t heard from them. We didn’t know where they were, or whether they were safe. But we all thought we were managing.

Today I know my husband’s approximate where-abouts, and I believe he is relatively safe, so that’s not it.

Preparing for our return to a place where so much happened brings a lot back to the surface. Simply prepping for an overseas PCS can be tricky. But I have perspective now, which I couldn’t possibly have the first time around. Hopefully this will be enough to balance out the panic moments.

If not, it I were to meet with my beloved co-horts today, and burst into tears without any apparent reason, I know they’d understand. It’s not only the active-duty members who develop bonds of closeness out of shared experiences, which cannot possibly be matched in the civilian world. They often refer to each other as "brothers."

This is the same kind of matched understanding (I imagine) brought by any heightened experience in life, shared equally by and with others.

I cherish these relationships — my soul sisters — no matter how far and wide we’re presently scattered.